Word-gate: the overuse of some terms

I saw this list of "banned words," via Reddit, and thought I could supply a few of the more common ones heard around my place of work. Of course all these words and phrases are IT- and corporate-speak. Use them at your peril, since they are known to suck the soul out of young, honest, hard-working persons. I am already a cube zombie, so there's no hope for my soul.

1. Space. Subject area or topic. "I can speak to the Internet space." The accepted use refers only to capacity of disk drives. Personally, this word drives me crazy.
   
2. Speak to. Talk about. See the above travesty. "Can you speak to the issues we've been having?" I am always tempted to answer: "Only if they can speak back."
3. Manage to. Manage, period. "I am managing to the issues." Huh? I think this is contamination from speaking to things too much.
4. Flush out. It's supposed to mean flesh out, or discover, as in: "We need to flush out the requirements." Then again, maybe they really do mean "flush out." Bird hunters, that's what we are.
5. FTE. Full-Time Equivalent, or "real" employee. I know this really isn't jargon or zombie-speak, but it's amazing how quickly our speech patterns are willing to evolve. Incidentally, we do not speak of contractors as FTEs. An FTE is strictly an on-salary person.
6. Associate. Related to FTE--employee. Actually, I feel this is a much nicer term than FTE, but I've always thought it odd.
7. Matrixed-in. Cross-organizational involvement in a project. Virtually every project is run this way, now. Oh, and nearly every project team is ...
8. Virtual. Not occupying the same general physical space. Most common usage: virtual team. Could be referring to "off-shore" resources, but more likely this refers to project team members located in different physical work locations. My company is large, and we have several offices in different parts of the country. Just like every other big company.
9. Resources. See FTE or associate, above, but this term is inclusive of non-employees. I don't find it particularly objectionable, but it does tend to dehumanize us. Then again, I suppose it's appropriate to refer to contractors as "resources," instead of people. Makes them easier to fire.
   
10. Off-shore. IT workers in India. The latest lame-brained idea by management to save money on IT projects. It may result in the delivery of projects with an acceptable cost, but they always take longer. Maybe they're more predictable, since the virtual team is all somewhere else and doesn't spend all their time in meetings. I don't know, though. I'm always in meetings.

I have a whole host of buzz-phrases related specifically to software development, but I'm not proposing we ban them, necessarily. It's just that by the time management adopts them they will have ceased to have any true meaning. For example: "We're adding three pairs and creating a new line." Sure you are.

Welcome back to the future. I'm proud to be "just a programmer." Don't get me started.

I was worried I was being harsh on Dan Brown

I wrote some stuff the other day, and wondered if I was being overly critical. Then I read this. And this.

Nah. I'm right in the middle.

Commentary on the 20 Worst Dan Brown Sentences

I read this article (it's not long, but if you have a writer's bent, very funny) discussing the stilted prose of World-Famous Best-Selling Auther Dan Brown. And yes, I meant to say "Auther."

I've only struggled through--er, read one Dan Brown novel, Digital Fortress. Whoof. He is certainly a Famous Auther, but boy is he a crappy writer. I'm sure he laughs all the way to the bank, and I still have to tip my hat that someone with such mundane talent has made it to Stardom. But with all that popularity, couldn't he afford to take writing lessons, maybe?

OK, this does sound like sour grapes, but surely he can afford a good editor and/or fact-checker. It couldn't hurt, and it just might help. I'm in the book, BTW.

My biggest problem with Digital Fortress, among many (read the Widipedia article for some errors) was that he didn't apparently know the difference between bits and bytes. Cripes! Even in the late 1990's we had libraries with books on computer technology. My other big issue was with the encryption algorithm he had the bad guys using. Determining the key used for a given cipher text is predicated on knowing the algorithm. Otherwise, you might as well brute-force the cipher text directly without knowing either the algorithm or the key. That's non-trivial to impossible. (Let me give you a random string of bits, and you tell me what I'm saying.) So therefore the algorithm has to be known, and the key (which had to be longer than what could be engraved on someone's ring--about 32 characters, IIRC) would have to be long, strong, and virtually unguessable. That is, the number of crack attempts (via a brute-force method) had to be really large and unattainable. A weak passphrase is nothing but a weak passphrase. A much better take-down of the flawed math and cryptography is posted here. The money quote FTA:

More importantly, it doesn't matter how powerful your computer is, you can't decrypt a message with a key if you don't know the algorithm.

My assessment of Dan Brown is that he's not a terribly talented writer, and not very bright, either. But he's Internationally Known, and we all know you don't have to be good to be Famous. It just helps.

But yeah, this is all sour grapes. I can write like him, I just choose not to.

Mission to the sun

Yeah. I heard they're planning a research mission to the sun. They're also going at night to get around that heat thing.

Should be fun.

Warning, techie joke ahead: the venerable stored procedure

I like The Daily WTF because it's ... well, often very funny. Today's funny involves a totally "proper," but insane use of a database stored procedure.

Yeah, management decreed that stored procedures were to be used, but failed to explain exactly why they were important. Of course you might guess that in this article they got it wrong. I would explain it, but it would take too long, and then the joke wouldn't be funny anymore.

Not, of course, that it's funny now.

Pot, meet kettle

Today must be a really good day for ironies. Yes, here's a hedge fund manager complaining that Obama is abusing his power. While he may have a point about only doing his job, this economic climate is not politically the time and place to take a hard line. We're all taking it in the shorts, a little. It's time to bend over, methinks.

It'll only hurt a little. I promise.

Afghanistan's only pig quarantined in flu fear

No this did not come from TheOnion.

I guess they're trying to protect the pig from us humans. Indeed.

*Snort!*

First, let me say that this is a joke. (click the image for the full-size version) A very funny joke if you're a techie.

WotD: PENDEJO

Pronounced pen-day-ho. Apparently when you google it all you get are references to the Daily Show's Dora the Explorer segment. Hang around until almost the end of the video.

I want to clear up the confusion. Pendejo is the Spanish equivalent to calling someone a fuckwad. My spouse's Spanish-English dictionary (dead tree copy, so you know it's authoritative) defines it as "pubic hair," or imbecile, idiot, asshole, etc.

Carry on.

PI answer to stem cell research disagreement

This should take care of the problem. In more ways than one ...

I can haz integrative journalism?

While on the subject of NCCAM and Senator Tom Harkin, I found this rather funny blog post by The Tufted Titmouse. It reminds me of the Tinkerbell Effect, but indeed, why not mix traditional journalism with creative writing. Consensual reality.

Ignorance is strength
-- George Orwell, 1984

I mean, just look at all those fundies. They're all clapping like mad.

Yeah, I have time on my hands today.

Rush Limbaugh

Head of the Republican Party?

My first thought was: you got to be kidding. Then I thought: cool. They deserve each other.

Sorta like Al Franken becoming leader of the Democratic Party. Oh, wait. You mean Senator Al Franken? It could happen, and it doesn't even require winged monkeys and rectal exits. But I digress.

Not news: We're gonna need a bigger basket

With apologies to this movie. That is all.

Watch ring found in Ming Dynasty tomb

In the news this week is the mention of a Swiss-made watch ring (a watch integrated into a ring, or rather, a watch worn as you would wear a ring) found in a 400-year-old Chinese tomb. Problem is, "[l]ocal experts say they are confused as they believe the tomb had been undisturbed since it was created during the Ming dynasty 400 years ago."

So, has someone traveled back in time, or what? That an archaeologist joked about it only serves to confuse the gullible even more.

I know the answer, and of course it's no. The watch ring is old, and it's very likely someone was in the tomb sometime in the past 100 years. Probably closer to then as opposed to now. It seems fairly safe to assume that unless you have personally watched the tomb entrance every moment for the past 100 years, or so, and you can be certain no one has entered or exited, that some time traveler has NOT left his/her ring in the tomb. Actually, more than a fairly safe assumption.

But this story does make good fodder for a D20 Modern Time Travel campaign episode. After we visit the Nazis during WWII, and maybe visit the space station (on the far side of the moon) back in 1270 (I think that's when it was).

Yes, I'm a geek and I still play RPGs, at my age. I never want to think older than 25, and so far, I'm winning.

Real-life Dilbert manager quotes

Since I'm an IT architect, this list of real PHB* quotes is particularly funny. I may have heard some of these a time or two, but the real funny I run into all the time is a business-imposed deadline that has no reason they are willing to share with us. And us IT folks are supposed to be "partners" with the business. Partners as long as you're doing what they ask, when they want it, and for the amount of money they're willing to pay.

Yes, "moving at the speed of business" is our most favorite oxymoron.

* Pointy-Haired Boss

Suzanne Somers vs Christina Applegate

This is a lighter look at the whole "fiasco." The money quote:

Do you realize that if Steve McQueen hadn’t gone to Mexico to treat his cancer with coffee enemas and peach pits, he would have been 68 today? That’s almost as old as you!

Oh snap.

Signs

Stolen from cectic.com.


FSM FTW!

Moon landing a hoax?

Somehow it's not surprising 35% of Brits think the moon landing was a hoax. No--this has nothing at all to do with the fact they're British, just that they probably haven't been to Cape Canaveral in Florida, and seen all the old hardware on display there.

Trust me, no one would build that much really huge and really expensive stuff for no reason at all. Launch pads, control rooms, assembly building, ginormous crawlers. I could go on and on. It's all there for anyone to see, and I've seen it.

Now, I watched the moon landing on TV (the Neil Armstrong one, back in 1969), and I'm pretty damn sure it was real. Particularly when you connect the images from then with the reality we still have, now. It all fits into a nice, continuous stream. It's an amazing achievement for us--mankind. Truly one of our finest moments, particularly if you consider the level of technology we had.

Unfortunately, it's not quite possible to see a lunar lander from earth, but you can see the shadow of Apollo 15's lunar lander. No, not compelling. Enough. But regardless, no one builds something that large and expensive for no good reason. There's no way a cover up this large could succeed.

We haven't gone back for several reasons, not the least of which is that it's pretty damned expensive. And people are bored with the idea, and have no appetite for spending cubic money for something that's already been explored. It's too bad, because I still want my Pan Am flight to the moon (ala 2001: A Space Odyssey).

Recently one of the astronauts "came out" saying space aliens are here and are being covered up, but he's old. And he's the only one saying it. And he has no new evidence. Too bad. I'd really like to see what the aliens look like. You'd think he would be talking about the big moon landing hoax, but no, it's just flying saucers and little green gray men.

Update: It seems Mythbusters is going to do a show on the moon hoax. Can't wait to watch it. Those guys are good.

Something I learned about software development

While the title might suggest this post is something most non-technical people would find boring, let me reassure you this lesson has nothing to do with computers or software development. I just learned it while doing software development.

This post on The Daily WTF (Worse Than Failure) sparked it.

OK, so here is what I've learned:

If you have a problem to solve, ask yourself first if this problem is something that many others have had to solve in the past. Also ask yourself if, because of the extreme commonality of the problem, there might be a tool, or a ready-made solution out there, somewhere, that you might get your hands upon. And use.

Chances are good that if you have a nail to drive into a board, there's something already invented to do that. All you have to do is obtain the tool, and voila! you've solved your problem. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered some supposedly smart programmers who think there's no handy-dandy already-written routine available for comparing two dates. Or anything else really stupidly simple, like that. And I'll bet some of the more interesting, complicated problems also have solutions, as well. Particularly if they have been encountered before.

Yeah, I know my words of wisdom are pretty lame. But you'd be surprised how hard a really simple thing can be.

Programmer humor

diskseekd

And you all thought programmers had no sense of humor. This article is quite funny, and on more than one level. I can haz meta-humor?

Programmers have tremendous senses of humor. We have to, to keep from freakin' killin' the idiot project manager in the next cube. But you did not hear me say that out loud.